Loved and lost

You don't get to grief and forget in an instance.

You may move on, but the hollow in your soul will still be there.

Sometime six months ago, my brother took a stray kitten home. She was thrown from a moving car in front of his school and got a broken ankle.

She came to our house limping, in need of medical treatment all the time. Scrawny and tiny and terrible looking. My mother was determined to keep her only till she was well and set her 'free' again.

Two months in the house, the kitten was the light of my mother's life. And the rest of the family too. :) I study in KL so I only had some moments with the green eyed darling. Most of the time, I get my updates from mum and indirectly, she have aided much in contributing as a topic between my mum and I, and my brother and I.

One of my favourite story was when she was older and brave enough to venture out of the house. Somehow she had conjured up the wrath of one of our neighbour's dog and it went wild chasing after my cat. She ran back home and saved herself by sinking her nails into one of our window and stayed there.

The dog? He was running so fast that he banged against the wall. HARD. F*** his life. :D

She was definitely a mischievous little darling. ♥ She doesn't even have a bed because she tends and was allowed to go anywhere in the house, therefore she sleeps everywhere to her liking.

On Saturday, April 30th 2011, stepdad called me late that night and told me that the baby girl was really sick. Her waste was green and she was vomiting blood, her eyes glistened like someone whom had been crying all day.

My heart broke.

I imagined how her big glassy eyes screams pain when her lack of communication betrays her. How her weak body weighs heavily on her own tiny bones. I kept praying, mum told me they talked to her that night- they asked her to hang on for just a few more hours till the vet opens the next morning.

I kept praying she would be alright. She always turns out okay.

At 08.10AM, May 1st 2011; I received a simple text message from my stepdad saying she was gone. I didn't feel too sad then but as I dialed for my mum, as the phone ring- I remembered how she used to look at me with her huge black-green eyes for attention, the same look she gave me when I left just 4 days ago;

I remembered telling her: 'I'll be back, baby. I won't be long.' with a smile.

And right then, I cried.

And cried.

And cried.

And I couldn't stop crying.

I answered my mum with a croak. Mum told me how they had put her in the same box she used to stay in when she was still a little stray. At the time, she couldn't come out of the box because she was too small,

Now she can't come out because she was too sick.

The hurt from losing her wasn't painful, tearing, searing, shattering. But it was an ache that seeps into your bones and eats a hollow deep in your heart as if nothing could ever fit just right ever again. If the pain was an itch, you'll be scratching for your bones.

It was the kind of pain you get knowing that you can finally flung the front door open because she won't be standing too near waiting for you anymore.

You could wake up at 10AM on a Saturday because she won't be there to jump across your face nor bite at your toes demanding for breakfast.

You could leave the house without making two rounds scouring the rooms making sure she was in and not locked out without anyone knowing.

You could watch TV and she won't be in our lap, curling for a nap.

You could do groceries without wondering whether she likes canned or biscuit treats more.

You can always love someone,
but you can never love anyone else the same way again.

On the last day I was in KK, I gave the kitten a shower and treated her leg. (because there was a flesh wound from few weeks back) I assume the medication must've been painful on her because she was angry with me after I was done. She looked at me as if I just broke her tiny heart as she tries to lick her paw.

But when she saw me packing, she tried to come into my bag and she followed me around till I had to leave for my flight. She meowed and meowed as if asking me not to leave her.

It was as if she knew.



This is a video my brother made in her memory.

Rest in Peace, Bonita. I hope cat heavens love you as much as we had. ♥

God knows we had loved you with everything we had. And we always will.

Mum said she still smelled of her shampoo. That was the last shower I had given to her.
I love you, Bonita.